I straddle a crevasse of confusion. These past days I have lost my footing. The floundering economy has put question in my life. Where do I go from here.
Yesterday I spent time with my mother on an outing. And returning to WMP she balked. Somedays she just doesn't want to return. She wants to go home. (my mother needs care 24/7. When she stays with me it is non-stop attention, even throughout the night. I wake every three hours to check her.) To take her home, the expense would be enormous. We've been down this road of price comparison and practicality. And I have batted back and forth the idea of bringing her home with me too many times. It's killing me. So this is again on my mind. The slow economy is creating questioning in my life. What is my purpose. What am I doing. Spending money when money isn't coming in, for what, an ego trip? "Why don't you bring your mother home. Possibly save the family money. Make your mother happy. " In reality, this would mean giving up my career, giving up my life. Resentments towards my siblings would possibly develop. I'd be fearful of not being caring enough. The guilt of not being willing is what is eating at me these last couple of days. Usually, I have my head on straight and I know how impractical and unrealistic this would be for me and I am ok with it. There is no guilt and I have true understanding and love for myself and really everyone else. Dale, who is very experienced in home care, said "your mother has the best of both worlds, good care and lots of family attention. "
So back to yesterday, as I've struggled with this issue, a woman out of nowhere, I'd never seen her before, approached me. While I am busy getting mom out of the car, she asks me after having told me how she knows my mother and how sweet she is etc, that "why don't we take our mother home?" Like a push-over, I attempt to answer her. She goes on to say in her country blah, blah, blah, they care for their elderly at home. When you don't do any thing important in your life, why not take her home? You'd be with your mother all the time." All the while mom is getting more and more wide eyed over this conversation. I look to her and my heart breaks.
So here I am...
I'd like to tell you what Dale said about that woman.