Thursday, January 29, 2009
I am so glad to find her. I love her personality. " I think I have this mild, depressive personality.... My uncle saw one of my shows......And he came up to me and said, isn't it the most depressing thing in the world to try to have fun." I relate to her on many levels. This is just a short little interview of her walking around Governors Island where she had done a series of images for a special artist group show. Its is a short 1 or 2 minute film that is paradoxically fun and light considering the story behind her photography series and the defunct project at Governors Island. Check it out here.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
I straddle a crevasse of confusion. These past days I have lost my footing. The floundering economy has put question in my life. Where do I go from here.
Yesterday I spent time with my mother on an outing. And returning to WMP she balked. Somedays she just doesn't want to return. She wants to go home. (my mother needs care 24/7. When she stays with me it is non-stop attention, even throughout the night. I wake every three hours to check her.) To take her home, the expense would be enormous. We've been down this road of price comparison and practicality. And I have batted back and forth the idea of bringing her home with me too many times. It's killing me. So this is again on my mind. The slow economy is creating questioning in my life. What is my purpose. What am I doing. Spending money when money isn't coming in, for what, an ego trip? "Why don't you bring your mother home. Possibly save the family money. Make your mother happy. " In reality, this would mean giving up my career, giving up my life. Resentments towards my siblings would possibly develop. I'd be fearful of not being caring enough. The guilt of not being willing is what is eating at me these last couple of days. Usually, I have my head on straight and I know how impractical and unrealistic this would be for me and I am ok with it. There is no guilt and I have true understanding and love for myself and really everyone else. Dale, who is very experienced in home care, said "your mother has the best of both worlds, good care and lots of family attention. "
So back to yesterday, as I've struggled with this issue, a woman out of nowhere, I'd never seen her before, approached me. While I am busy getting mom out of the car, she asks me after having told me how she knows my mother and how sweet she is etc, that "why don't we take our mother home?" Like a push-over, I attempt to answer her. She goes on to say in her country blah, blah, blah, they care for their elderly at home. When you don't do any thing important in your life, why not take her home? You'd be with your mother all the time." All the while mom is getting more and more wide eyed over this conversation. I look to her and my heart breaks.
So here I am...
I'd like to tell you what Dale said about that woman.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I am bored with my life. I am tired of getting up each morning. My dreams are much better. The shaky economy, the scrutinizing over this artist statement I've been writing, researching other artist then overvaluing them and undervaluing of myself is making living hard going for me lately.
I finally watched "Man on Wire". Philipe Petit is an incredibly passionate, charismatic man and I was totally taken by him. I wanted to have what he has. There I was measuring my passion against his. If you have seen this movie you will see how laughable this comparison is. There are people in this world who are just superior in achieving dreams; their brains, their discipline, their passion is beyond normal. When I am not in a good emotional place I struggle so with mediocrity. The other day I was at a couples home taking photos for an artist friend. The husband ( a doctor, a marathon runner) and wife had returned from a book store where he had purchased "Atlas Shrug" to read. After talking with him about other books he had read and sharing the love of stories etc, he brought me two books to lend me that he had just finished reading. I was surprised he had read them; I questioned the fact. These huge books hadn't even had their spines broken. The books I've read look as if they've been through the spin cycle of the washing machine. I cannot seem to get this off my mind. How can one person be so......, something, so...., amazing. And he was good-looking, he had children, he was happily married, he had a beautiful home and he wasn't socially retarded. Its killing me today.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I have recently returned from NYC and haven't had the time to review my experience in writing. It was diverse, weird, and as always educational. I really can't go there again just yet, but for a quick reminder for later I can list my highlights
-the orchestra pit at the Majestic (No.1)
-the Diamond District Xmas light decorations in diamond shapes
-Yossi Milo Gallery-seeing Tierney Gearon 16x20 C-prints and
my one purchase of The Hyena & Other Men-Pieter Hugo book
-Pace/McGill Gallery-Duane Michels Fan C-Prints
-the epiphany at St. Patricks Cathedral
Thursday, January 1, 2009
I am looking forward to learning more, seeing more, loving more. Thank you for 2008!
Just received a link from my friend to a beautiful story by photographer Philip Toledano-Days with My Father. It put her in mind of mine and my mom's story. It has given me the impetus to continue photographing mom. Reading how Philips relationship is with his father is heart warming and real. I love the idea his wife had, to get a Hooter's Girl to come read stories to his dad each week since his dad is still very much appreciative of women. How kind and respectful and fun. It is a reminder that we are not gone until we are gone. Nothing sad about that...