Saturday, November 15, 2008

Cleaning Out My Mother's Home

I lost it today.  I broke my own rules today.  I spent too much time alone at my mother's home, my childhood home and my thoughts get crazy and my heart gets heavy.  

I threw away magazines my mother had so painstakingly saved and organized. Folded and boxed for Goodwill contributions all the clothes she loved and held on to as far back as the 70s.  It broke my heart to do it.  On a good day I could have managed, but today my mind wasn't disciplined to keep it focused on positive. I think sometimes and it pisses me off that the world doesn't see the pain quite like I do.  I feel alone in this feeling. I am alone in this/my feeling. Sometime I even feel my siblings can't appreciate just how I feel about seeing my mother's things reduced to trash.  But I do know other people have suffered this same hurt.  And I do know my sisters and brother hurt.  I am not the first to have experienced the aging and the inevitable death of a parent. 

One of my sisters goes there often and part of me understands why she subjects herself to the pain of it.  It is crazy but in a sick sense it is honoring mom's pain of loosing this part of her life, and ours too, really.  I get angry sometimes when I see someone escape the pain.  It seems to me they are not thankful enough for what she was and is today.  On a good day I am more loving, but today I am sad and I get aggressively angry.  Tomorrow I will probably feel guilty and emotionally hung over.  Today I am in the shit.

I love you Momma.

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